broken crayons still color 🖍

19/ SIBIU / You are seventeen now and you try to fall in love with every single boy just so you have a new excuse to blame on why you want to fucking die when you break up but you know that you still want to die because of the same cool boy you met in high school that made you believe that if you try to heal him it'll start to cover up his scars but little did he know he was only bandaging your scars and you were more in love with him than anyone else. You loved him more than yourself and now you know better. You've never loved as strong as you did at fifteen when all you wanted was to protect him and you've never fallen as fucking fast as you did when you fucking kissed him for the first time and it felt like a car crashes right into your stomach and you feel like you have died ten times over, but no, he never hit you with a car, he never even hit you with a goodbye, it was just a "I love you 🐰". I wish I could say you still need me but you don't because I don't belong to your life anymore even if you're still a part of mine begging for your presence and that was two years ago and I'm almost eighteen breaking other boys bones just to show myself, that I'm as strong as you are. I'm starting to become a lot like the person who destroyed me, I lie through my teeth and spit out "I love you" to any boy just to make them fall in love with me but then I crash right into them and flip their whole world upside down when I leave them in tears. For someone who doesn't sleep anymore I woke up pretty fast from my liquor filled evenings just to wake up and decide I was done with them the same way you were done with me so fast. My head is still spinning from alcohol and nicotine and I don't remember how I fucking became the monster but you become the things you love and God knows I fucking loved you with all my heart, soul and being. I'm hurting others just to try to bandage the scars you left me with but I guess I have to learn that unless I heal from you, I'll always be just like you because you are all I've ever known and can't stop being like you because it's the closest thing I'll ever have left of you because you haven't returned my love from when I was sixteen kissing anyone pretending it was you.

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